My Agnostic Theism Karma

When I was small I was always thinking it is quite posh to talk about the karma. Never actually I wondered what it is or what does it mean. I was raised as a catholic – well raised is too much to say. As a citizen of a strongly catholic country I just had to be one. The problem was, that except religion classes at my school, which were obligatory, I never got in touch of religion at home. Well one of my grannies is completely mad catholic but I just saw her in summer time and never took much notice of that. Of course we celebrated traditions like – blessing Easter Eggs and Christmas Eve. But that’s it. I never went to church (except wedding and funerals). So things changed when I was seven and started school. I was forced to learn prayers by heart – I never did – and our nun was from completely different planet! Anyway next year came and we had first communion. I just remember it was completely nuts. All my friends were just talking what they will get, what they will wear (girls) and how will they curl their hair to look like angels. Honestly! Everyday we had classes at church and we had to learn and practice all this shit. When finally the day had come – according to my nun – my life would change incredibly and I will be part of fantastic (don’t mix with fanatic) community – nothing changed, I didn’t feel in any way special, whole ceremony was funny and weird. But hey I had the coolest dress and shoes! Imagine how heretic I was in what I was wearing! Ok. Here is the type: as a girl you had to have your hair long and curled and with big white wrath on your head (it’s pagan tradition by the way hee, hee, hee), long, well too long white, wedding like dress and flat white shoes! Now imagine me! I had all my hair got in a small bun with few white tiny flowers in it, my dress was white of course but very simple and only ¾ length, so just covering my knees and I had white, patent, high heel shoes. Everybody was staring at me and my nun almost got heart attack and took my mum aside to tell her that this is unheard of. Anyway it was way too late to change and I was in the front row because of my extraordinary height (ha ha ha – nowadays I am still in front lines as my height didn’t change much form when I was eight). So the mass went quickly, I was disappointed I didn’t feel anything but the food my mum did that day was great. Week after all my friends were going to the church and I didn’t really feel and see the point of doing so. My parents told me (I was eight) that I can choose what I want to believe in and after doing the communion and confirmation will be easier if I want to get married in this country ever. Also they told me that I don’t have to go to church if I don’t want to and that they won’t go with me if I decide to do so.
I didn’t go. Also I realized that I don’t really believe in all that was said about Catholicism. I got pretty interested in mythologies, legends and religions of the world. Also I studied history, astrology and fortune-telling. I never denied god, an energy, mother nature, superpower that is taking care of us. 
 
It took me quite a long time to figure out what I really believe in and couple of years ago I event learned that there are more people like me and that this thing has a name! It is agnostic theism. As, one and only, wikipedia would say: it’s also called religious or spiritual agnosticism. It is the view of those who do not claim to know existence of any deity, but still believe in such an existence. Also this view do not agree with any religious knowledge and all the tradition and stories in holy books are seen more as legends or mythology.
 
This is quite strange to read about it in the internet if that is exactly what you think. So I tell you exactly what I believe in and I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings here, because honestly, I just don’t care what you want to or what you believe in, it is absolutely up to you, I respect you, it’s you’re life and you can do whatever you want, I just might not agree with you at some points, which makes us – human beings – so wonderfully complicated, different and therefore interesting. So you can stop reading now or continue to know my point of view on life at the moment – I say at the moment because it all might change someday. 
 
First of all I believe in god. But not in the old guy with the beard, or Allah, or Yahweh or whatever you call it, even if it has many names. How you believe in god and what religion you practice is usually determined by the place you were born or the nation you belong to. That has nothing to do with you and who you are. I don’t believe in any organized religion. Most just appeared because people didn’t understand nature and what was happening in the world and that is very obvious that they/we had to see the greater power than us. All the tradition and mythology are fantastic! I really enjoyed them a lot (though I admit I didn’t read them all and not in full – my plan is to do it when I retire). Religions were created my visionaries and really strong personas. This is incredible that they moved the nations and people for so many centuries and still have strong believers and followers. I honestly really admire those people (true believers not extremists – that is sick) – I just simply have too many questions and doubts, I know and understand too many things and religion has not enough answers. But I am not that rational after all as I believe in astrology and fortune-telling (I’m a beginner tarot reader myself) and I believe in many unexplained things (you might call the miracles, omens, ghosts, coincidence and destiny), my spiritual life and beliefs are quite tolerant, so definitively there has to be something there, and there would be too much of coincidence in my life. I think it is a source of vital energy that makes the world spin, creates opposites to all that exists and makes us who we are. I think that we (as our generation) will not be able to ever discover or learn about that, maybe other generations will reach such an advanced level that they will discover what IT really is. At the moment we will not get there for sure as we don’t even know half of how our brain works. One day we will reach that evolutionary level (or not) to find out if god exists or not – now we cannot, so there is no point to argue about it. I think it’s basically only up to you what you want to believe in – only 600 years ago people would die for idea that the Earth is flat. So I won’t tell you if it exists or not. I personally think it is, if you don’t that fine with me, if you do, that’s fine with me either.
 
More controversial idea on god/knowledge would be my idea of astrology. Well I think it is all combined and human brain is set to know/see/read future from signs given us by nature. Like any other field. Why some people know how to do it and why others don’t – it is simple – I know history and I can write but I don’t know math. They forced me to learn it at school and I still haven’t got a fucking clue, why I had to and what the hell it is all about. What’s more I really don’t care. I have a calculator in my mobile phone and I’m happy. But many people say it is important and relevant – I cannot see that in any way. So therefore there are fortune tellers and people who don’t believe them. I experienced too many things not to believe that – though as any other subject it is not always right. You have to read between the lines – in math you can as well if they are parallel. As I said before – one day we will reach a level when everybody can learn it (most of the people can already). Me as a Libra and a woman have quiet good intuition – when you practice, you get better – that’s what I do. I was always interested horoscopes and tarot, so I began to read it. Still I have to learn a lot but you can see the results quite quickly. Honestly it is very easy. Fortune telling is: brain, intuition, experience and knowledge of old symbols, mythologies, legends and history, a bit of psychology and psychiatry. If you have brain and like to use it more than you’re average 10% – here you go, open your own business and be a fortune teller. I am being a bit sarcastic here, but I will be quoted in the next 1000 years. Ha ha!
 
So that’s my beliefs. I hope I haven’t missed anything, if I did I will bore you again with another one.
 
Now that was a short introduction to my karma essay. I am just joking. But the concept of karma was quiet close to me all the time. It’s like matter and antimatter. Everything has its opposite in the world, so there is always balance of “bad” and “good”. According to Indian religions – through the law of karma, the effects of all deeds actively create past, present, and future experiences, thus making one responsible for one’s own life, and the pain and joy it brings to him/her and others. Also in polish tradition we have a proverb saying “oliwa sprawiedliwa zawsze na wierzch wyplywa” (oil righteous always come to the top) – which basically means that whatever you do (bad or good), it will come out to the light sooner or later and come back to you. Unfortunately and fortunately this is so true. I could give you millions of examples. From simple everyday ones, to quite drastic and unpleasant. Lately I had too many occasions of coincidence, karma or oil being just too righteous for me and people I know.
I start with the good news. Last few years I was working my ass off, studying, moving to a different country (back and forth because of my studies), I was doing voluntary Internships, in my previous jobs I was used, underpaid and treated like shit. Then I was finishing studies and of course I was treated like shit because this is how you treat students in Poland. But I always was the nice one and working hard cause that’s what you have to do, at least I was raised this way. Then I came back and there were no jobs, so I took the job that I said I will never take and just for money/to make a living. Imagine how I felt. Trust me it wasn’t good. I was super experienced, with education and degree and I was doing something that I hate for American corporation. I felt shit, humiliated and completely without dignity left, my self respect and esteem did not exist. In that exact moment I got a phone call, for which I was waiting whole year not to mention whole life. I got dream job, in dream place, on a dream position with not so dream salary but I was never dreaming about this anyway. In just few seconds my whole life turned upside down and started to be positive. It is like an avalanche effect – from that day everything seems to go the right direction (ok it is far from being perfect but I don’t want it to be). It is karma coming back, it is my oil coming to the top. Finally I feel like the right is fighting wrong. It is just amazing because I worked for it so hard that I am actually scared now that it might go wrong. I know it’s mad but after few years I had, you have to understand me. Also I don’t want to boast too much or finish hard work or trying now – because that will come back as well.
I can also see it among my friends – I know a lot of hard working people, who did a lot in their lives – they work, study, try hard and are patient though it is not easy. And they are rewarded in the end. It is amazing like last few months have been successful for so many of them and how the assholes get kicked in the ass. I’m sorry it is harsh but it’s true. My bad karma came back to me too, I am not saint and I can be a true bitch if I want to. I was always saying that if you nice, sooner or later it comes back to you, if you’re an asshole it works exactly the same way.
Another – drastic example – is my math teacher. She was the biggest bitch I have ever met in my life. I swear to my pants! There is nobody on this world that I hate! I hated her with the purest hate! She was the worst and most evil person I have ever met! Ironically she died on April’s Fools Day last year so when I heard the story I have laughed my ass off. Then I learned it’s true. Ok I wasn’t laughing, but I will be honest – I also surprised myself with it – I was not sad or feel compassion, I just didn’t feel anything. I didn’t care at all. I think that is the worse “revenge” she could get – nobody felt anything. Imagine that only few people came for the funeral and nobody from her family! I didn’t go because all I could do there was to drink champagne and dance on her grave, so I decided I will not do scenes. But I couldn’t go because that person never had my respect. I also learned that she died from bone cancer – it is most painful of all. I will not say she deserved it, nobody does, but that is karma. Even at your end the oil will come to the top if you want it or not.
 
The good thing is that in few people I noticed huge changes, they learned, they got more experienced, they finally understood and they changed their lives. That is extremely good and I am very happy to see that. I can see it in me and in few of my best friends and other people I know. Good and bad things happened to all of us but we all worked on it. Some of us learned the lesson and they are my friends, some never will and I can just wish them good luck in life, because I strongly believe they will need it.
 
M.